The man in green
by Onasi
Summary: Completely random and idiotic adventures of the MC. Starts off on Earth but might go anywhere Does not follow halo storyline. Just read, its funny. Leave reviews, or I'll fart on your face.
1. Chapter 1

This only a twisted telling of the Mc's adventures, starting on Earth. If people like it, I'll keep it going.

Disclaimer: I don't own halo or any of the articles it's ownership entails (like lots of nerds blowing you in thanks). In addition, the character the wise Janitor is taken from the movie _Not Another Teen Movie, _who was played by Mr.T. So, you could picture the Janitor's character as Mr.T, but I am in no way personifying Mr.T himself (so can't delete my story).

The pelican flew soared through the air, as mc prepared for battle.

Mc: what's the mission?

Cortana: Well, the covenant are attacking this city, Stevie wonder, can't you see the ships?

Mc: well uh...(he seems to be watching some type video on his visor)

Cortana: Chief! Chief! (Video shuts off) stop watching kinky Canadian sluts 4. We've got a job to do. We have to free San Francisco.

Mc: Oh, yeah (shakes "mysterious goo" off his hand) wait... why San Fran?

cortana: checking covenant battle net... Turns out that the covenant has been after one thing all along...buttsex.

Mc:buttsex?

Cortana: buttsex...weird. Well, they came to the right place.

Up in the pilot's booth, the pilot was bent over the dashboard, his pants down, with Johnson standing behind him with a giant latex glove on his right arm.

Pilot: you're call sarge.

Johnson: (dips his gloved hand into a vat of sex jelly) I'm going in. Get naked marines!

Mc: Cortana, you hear those moans?

Cortana: Sarge is giving his cavity searches again.

Mc. Whatever. Alright, let's get going.

Wise Janitor: Wait, foo.

Mc: The Wise Janitor! What the fuck are you doing here?

WJ: Listen, the world needs u. I need u. If u die, what will I think about when I jerk..., well anyway, come on kid. Go out there, believe in the covenant, and kill yourself.

Mc. Wait, don't you mean kill the coven...forget it. Fuck off, Blackie Chan, you're a fucking retard.

WJ: mmmmmm, I likes me a man in green, makes me soooo…. Wet and horny...eh, just get out there, foo (pushes mc out the pelican.)

Mc began to plummet towards the earth, and shit his pants four times before he hit the ground.

WJ: (calling out to chief) call 1800 collect from hell, bitch! And watch your ass! No, really, watch your ass, unless u want a nice helping of human butt milk.

The chief hurtled towards the earth, with the city of gays below him.

Mc: Cortana, activate my jetpack.

Cortana: uhhhh, yeah, um, chief, u don't have a jet pack.

Mc: what? I'm a fucking 6 billion dollar cyborg and I don't have a fucking jetpack. I mean, even James bond had one. Okay, just activate my parachute.

Cortana: yeah, about that chief.

Mc: You're shitting Me? What do I have?

Cortana: well, u got a flashlight. and uhh... binoculars?

Mc. Great, that helps a...(CRASH!)

The chief smashed through the roof of a building, and after awaking from his coma, found himself in a dance club, with the music of the indigo girl blasting through the room. Chief quickly realized something wasn't right.

The waiter approached him, with a belly shirt and short-shorts.

Waiter: OMG, welcome to thhhhhe thperm dumpster, thethexy.

Mc: what is this place..wait! mendoza? Didn't u die on halo?

Mendoza: uuuhhh, look, don't tell anyone, or ill show them THE TAPE.

Mc: what tape?

Mendoza: this one (inserts tape into chief's head, at least after he ejected the kinky Canadian sluts 4 video.)

The tape begins showing a basic dorm room. All of a sudden, the beat to an 80's song comes on, and the chief jumps in, with a mic in his hand and a mullet hanging out the back of his helmet

Mc: off key singing I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT! (30 seconds of fake guitar solo)

The beat then quickly changes, and Johnson jumps in, with his Jeri curls wet with hair spray.

Mc. (while Johnson's break dancing) SHE"S A MANIAC! MANIAC! ON THE FLOOR!

end of video

Mc: yeah, those were the days. Then together we had passionate sex together…. I mean, together with two other women! Yeah….yeah, I'm not gay. Now that I have the tape, I could kill you.

Cortana: wait chief, I though of another one of your suits feature!

Mc: what?

Cortana: check this out.

Cortana activates some systems, and out of nowhere a giant elephant appears in back of mendoza, and shoots 2 metric tons of watery shit onto the dirty minger marine.

Mc: I've had that the whole fucking time and u never told me?

Cortana: well, never really thought you'd need it. Anyway, let's go take out that cruiser and...stop drinking that!

MC: What, some nice guy at this bar gave me a mini vanilla shake. He told me he got it out of a special hose. mmm, tasty.

Cortana: yeah, hope u like it. Let's go.

Okay, that's it. Give me good reviews, or I'll eat your children.


	2. Chapter 2

The Chief stepped out of the sperm dumpster nightclub, walking funny.

Mc: I can't believe it! Out of nowhere, some one eyed snake attacked my ass! It spit in there and just left! How the hell does that happen?

Cortana: that wasn't a snake chief, it was a...you know what, you go ahead and think it was a snake. You don't want to know anyway.

Interrupting the chief's rape story, a scared marine came over to the wobbling chief.

Marine: Sir! We have a...what you get butt fucked? Anyway, chief, the covenant has a giant cannon, a whammy kablammy, on this street and we need to destroy it.

Mc: Will I get a happy meal if I do it?

Marine What? A happy meal? ummmm...no?

MC: MOTHER FUCKIN SHIT! GODDDAMN I WANT A FUCKIN HAPPY MEAL OR I'LL UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR FUCKING NECK YOU FUCKIN PIECE OF FUCKIN SHIT BITCH! FUCK!

Marine: (stares for ten seconds in confusion) ooookay, okay I'll get you a happy meal.

Mc: (clicks heels) YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

The chief then ran over to the marine line, skipping happily with the thought of those delicious fries. Commander grizzly Adams led the marine forces.

Grizzly Adams: Okay, here's the plan. My trained lice will lead the charge, and my fleas, ticks and scabies will protect the rear. any questions?

The marines stood there, until one spoke up.

Marine: yeah, 2 questions. One, why the fuck are you hear? didn't your show get cancelled over 500 years ago? And two, have you ever bathed?

Grizzly: errrm, because the author of the story is retarded and no, I haven't.

Marine: Forget him chief. Here's the real plan. We'll rush in and sodomize the elites. Then you shoot the bazooka launcher at the whammy kablammy when we say "cumsplatter". Got it?

Mc:uh, yeah. Let's go.

Marine: Okay men, let's make the bravest charge ever! Who's with me?

The marine cheered, and all skipped gracefully into the covenant.

Elite: Well jerk me off and call me sandy, the humans are attacking!

Grunt: sir, why do you always talk like that?

Elite: Did I tell you to stop down there? (shoves grunt's head back into crotch)

The battle then started, and cockslaps and rapage was everywhere. The chief was in position with his bazooka launcher, until he heard music coming from behind him.

chief: YAAAYYY! ICE CREAM TRUCK!

The chief than dropped his gun and ran towards the truck.

Mc: I'll have a caramel swirl please!

Cortana: chief! CHIEF! Are u crazy!

Mc: what?

Cortana: Look at what you're doing! What r u an idiot?... your supposed to buy the chocolate instead.

The chief bought his ice cream and went to eat it.

Marine: Okay here's our chance. CUMSPLATTER CUMSPLATTER! Cums...mppph (get giant 3 foot elite cock inserted into his mouth) ooooo, I likey!

elite: Yeah, that's right human, cumsplatter (shoots his load in marines mouth)

MARINE2:God where's the chief! I swear if he's wacking off again...

the chief just sat on the street corner, his visor covered in ice cream.

Cortana: You know, you could've taken your helmet off to eat.

Mc: no! The world can't see my horrible acne! I'm hideous! (begins to cry uncontrollably)

Cortana: Uhhh...yeah, whatever pussy. Wait! What about the marines?

Mc: oh I'm sure they're fine. (all the marines lay dead in giant pools of there own blood and semen)

Mc Oh well, they were fags anyway.

Cortana: well what now?

Mc: To the bat mobile! (Bat mobile rides up with kick ass hydraulics) Let's go pic up some fly bitches!

Cortana: For shizzle, nigga.

okay thats it. leave me good reviews, or i'll get my homies to ride up on you in a drive by...bitch.


	3. Chapter 3

Yeah ,this shit is still going, and it's still illmatic.

The chief walks away from the smoldering remains of a car, while Cortana yells.

Cortana: Way to go, assfuck! I told you not to blast the Mike Jones so loud, but nooooooooo! Hey chief, are you listening to me?

Chief: (badly rapping) Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot, hoes all on me!

Cortana: Chief shut up, or I'll make you watch Gigli on your visor.

Chief: OH GOD NO! NO! I'LL DO ANYTHING!

Cortana: Good. Now let's look for...OMG! Look!

The chief looked up to see a large covenant ship, with a small crack in it opening up in the shape of an anus. Then, a booming covenant voice boomed out of the ship!

voice: Puny gaylords! We have come for our sweet buttsex, but our dicks lay tired, and we are bored pf human anuses. In I hour our cannon Will cover your pathetic city in plasma! Peace bitches! WU TANG!

The chief just looked up, in horror.

Cortana: OH NO! OH NO!

Chief: OH NO! OH NO!

Cool aid guy: (Crashes through wall!) OH YEAH!

Chief: GODDAMN COVENANT! (Throws grenade into cool aid guy).

Cool aid guy: OOOOOH NO! (Blows up)

Cortana: Chief! He was a good guy. He brings enjoyment to all the kids living in the projects who can't afford real juice. Why did you do it?

Chief: Fuck cool aid! Tang is the shit!. Okay, let's get to work.

The chief and Cortana magically board the vessel, cause I'm to lazy to write the in between. They stand on the entrance from the grav lift, surrounded by covies.

Chief:well...fuck.

Elite: ha ha! (wips out cock) ear, ear, rubber nose. Now I'll show you where the fat snake goes!

Chief: That what you think. Prepare for my secret weapon (stretches out hand) WIND TUNNNEL!

Everyone just stand silent, as nothing happen.

Cortana: (whisper) watching to much inuyasha again chief?

Chief: wait, I'm not miroku? Well...fuck...again.

Elite: Okay, die fucker!

out of nowhere, a mysterious yellow ninja shows up, kicking the shit out of all the covies. They quickly run away, their urine trails behind them.

Chief! Holy shit! Scorpion! I loved in you in mortal kombat!

Scorpion: Get over here! (Shoots line into chief and pulls him close and whispers) Cause I want your hot body!

Chief! Ummm, can we just be buddies?

Scorpion: Butt buddies?

Chief: Fuck no! (Shoots scorpion in face). Master Chief wins! Fatality, bitch!

Cortana: damn, you sure like killing things. Okay, let's get to the cannon control room.

Chief:duh,okay.

Again the two magically show up there, cause I don't have the talent to write a simple action sequence.

Cortana: Okay, now you just have to get by those four silver elites and we can deactivate the cannon. How are we going to get past them.

Chief: I know! (takes out crack pipe) This always works!

The chief then smoke 5 kilos of crack, while Popeye music plays out of nowhere.

Chief: WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I"M GONNA KILL YOU! THEN I'LL SUCK YOU'RE DICKS FOR CRACK MONEY!

The chief then randomly charges in, get shot from all directions. Luckily for him, he was waaaaaaaay to high to feel pain, and he killed all the elites with his bazooka blaster.

Chief: Oh shit, I lost my high. Now I'm really depressed. (cries uncontrollably)

Cortana: Hold on, pussy, let me deactivate this switch...and there! Turned off. Now cheer up. I'll buy you some ice cream.

Chief: YAAAAAAAAYYY!

Okay, that's it. If you don't review, I'll shoot you're dog with a longbow.


	4. Chapter 4

The scene begins with the Master Chief standing near an emptied box of cereal, thrusting his hand in the air.

Mc: WONDER TWIN POWERS! ACTIVATE!

Cortana: (Signing) look, chief, you got that ring in a box of cookie crisp. It ain't gonna work.

Mc: Yes it will! WONDER Twin Powers! Activate!

Cortana: You dumb fuck. This is almost as bad as you beating up those girl scouts yesterday.

Mc: Hey, those fags deserved it! Wearing sunglasses at 7 o'clock, thinking there cool!

Cortana: They were blind, asshole.

Mc: Really?...oops.

Cortana: Look, retard, after saving san fran from the covies the king of America wants to give you an award.

Mc: You mean bush VIII wants to meet me! OMg, I've got to wear my best dress! Should I go with a thong, or no.

Cortana: shivers in disgust uhhhhhhhhhh, no. Look, I'll teleport us there.

Mc: Or how about the keebler elves pick us up in their space ship?

Cortana: (With complete confusion) whaa….what? Did you read your line right.

Mc: (looks down at script) let's see here….yeah, right here. Keebler elves' spaceship.

Cortana: Wow, just when you thought the author had built up a tolerance to crack he switches to heroin. Okay lets go.

A loud rumble shakes the ground, and the chief and Cortana rush outside to see what was happening. The spaceship landed, and they both got aboard.

Keebler elves: chief, anything for you. We'll never forget you're favor for us.

FLASHBACK!

The chief is scene walking away from a burning building, grenades in his hand.

Cortana: Why did you blow up the chips-ahoy factory! CHIEF! CHIEF!

Chief: hypnotized All hail king keebler! All hail king keebler!

END OF FLASHBACK

Chief: (trhinking) huh, I don't remember ever doing you guys a favor..

Elf: (evily) no….no you shouldn't remember. OH, and if you see little debbie's body back there, just toss it to the side. Damn snack cakes, stealing our business!

The ship took off, its fuel being thoudands of captured fat kids who couldn't put the damn keebler box down. The ride went by for about five minutes until the master chief began to speak.

Mc: clutching stomach awwwww…..too many taquitos…I goota go! runs to the back rooms of the ship

Keebler elf: I hope he knows where the bathroom is.

All of a sudden the ship began to rumble oddly.

KABBOOOOOOOM!

The back of the ship exploded as the chief hurtled towards the ground, hitting the earth as pieces of the ship fell around him.

Chief: uhhh…..what the fuck!

Cortana: OMg! I told u, that was the engine! But no, you just have to shit ALL OVER IT!

Chief; Uhhh…….oops?

Cortana: Alright, we've still got your comm. Systems so you know what to do.

Chief: Of course. I know who will save us.

The chief than randomly picks up a large spotlight and points it towards the sky, creating a bat-like image.

Cortana: DID U JUST THROW UP THE BAT SIGNAL! BATMAN DOESN'T EXIST, YOU FANNY BANDIT ASSHOLE!

AS soon as she was done, a sleek black viechle pulls out of nowhere, and a man in black leather spoke from the driver's seat.

Batman: ()/\/\6 637 1/\/ 73h cr 817c#e$! 1'/\/\ 73h 1337 o/\/\6 \/\/tfbbq!

Cortana: Heh, I didn't know batman spoke in 1337. Did you get a word opf that!

Chief: OMG! Batman says that killer penguins have invaded Austria! Get sailor moon, we must hurry!

Cortana:………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..dumbass.

Okay, that's it. Leave good reviews or ill sodomize a spider monkey if front of your grandma.


	5. Chapter 5

The scene beings with cortana and the chief riding in batman's pimped-out ride (which turns out to be a supped up 82 Tercel), with batman finishing another disgusting life stor.

Batman: ….And that was the first time I ever blew an elephant for crack money. Don't know why the zookeeper made me do it, but he, gotta get my fix.

Cortana: (disgusted) this man is fucking disgusting! Who would blow an elephant?

\

Chief: I know, what a sicko! I mean, I can see a kangaroo maybe, or even a baby dingo, but an elephant is going to far:\.

Cortana: Do you ever question your sexuality chief? Are u gay or strait?

Chief: If it gives me wood, it must be good.

Cortana: you sick bastard. Now come on, tuck and roll, before leather-clap rapist starts talking about his "friendship" with robin.

The chief and cortana begin to open the door, and jump out as batman looks.

Batan: (yelling out the window with his pants half down) don't you guys wanna hear how I got this rash?

Chief: (getting up fro the ground) Phew, good thing were out of there.

Cortana; yeah, now we have some free time. We can go shopping, dancing, see a ballet…

Chief: God, I wish you'd shut the fuck up!

Just then, a blue cloud of smoke appeared before the, and a genie appreared to finish the overused cliché ( I suck).

Genie: oh, did I hear someone say the W word?

Chief: wigger?

Genie: no

Chief: wombat?

Genie: (staring blankly) uh, nooo

Chief: Yugoslavia?

Cortana: that starts with a Y you fucking retard!

Chief: hey, I happen to know the 19 letters of the alphabet just fine.

Genie: I meant the word "wish" genius. Im a magic genie, and im willing to grant you 5 wishes.

Chief: makes it 6

Genie: 4

Chief: 3. final offer.

Genie: (unbelieving) uh,…sure, deal. Okay, name ur wishes.

Cortana: chief, think this through, now. U can stop the covenant, end world hunger, anything!

Chief: okay, i…I wish I had a 4 inch penis!

Genie: 4 inches? Fine, but I don't know why u want to make ur dick smaller.

Chief: no, actually Im making it big……yeah, smaller. Yeah, that's it.

Cortana: you idiot! You better use your next wishes better than that, weenie-dick!

Chief: okay, I wish I was that kick ass dude from those halo games! That guy is il!

Genie: (his jaw dropped in disbelief) uh…chief.. u know that you are…u know what fine, ur wish has been granted.

Chief: yes! Im no longer the douchebag I sed to be!

Cortana: I hate you.

Chief: okay, and m last wish. I wish this fat bitch cortana would lose some weight. She sickens me!

Cortana: I'm a computer program! I don't weigh anything!

Chief: whatever you say, pig. Go eat more cake.

Genie: well, I hope you someday pass the 1st grade, but that's all 3 wishes. And Cortana, if it wasn't for you this guy would have already coked himself in the microwave.

Cortana: he already has. Thus the 2 inch pinch between his legs.

Genie: well…uh, at least you've stopped him from tearing apart his own colon with a screwdriver.

Cortana: he did that twice. Hence the loose bowels.

Chief: I think I just shit myself

Cortana: see?

Genie: well, sucks to be you. Peace bitches.

That's it for this chapter. leave me good reviews, or ill bomb Latvia. And don't think I cant.


	6. Chapter 6

The scene begins with the master chief in a job placement office.

Chief: Cortana, tell me why I need to get a job again.

Cortana: well, first off, you have a horrible meth addiction to feed, you have to buy your medicine for menopause, and you have countless subscriptions to…..uh… "alternative entertainment" magazines.

Chief: Oh, like Boy-Cow Love Monthly and Cyborg Crotch Itch Quarterly?

Cortana: Sadly yes. You're a sick fuck.

Chief: Eh, it beats fucking platypuses.

Cortana: What?

Chief: Nothing.

As the chief fantasized about his sexcapades involving egg laying mammals, the job placement officer entered the room.

Officer: Hello, Mr. Chief. I'm Jenny, and I'm gonna get you a job today. First let me ask you some questions.

Chief: before you ask. I already have the answers; yes, it's that small, yes, there are three of them, and no, I've never done coke off a dog's ass…..twice.

Officer: uhh….actually I was gonna ask you what your highest level of education was.

Chief: well, I graduatationed from high school. I did passing with honorable honors cause I is smart back then.

Officer: …..yeah, are you sure you graduated from high school? Who was our first president?

Chief: 17

Officer: ookkay… so pretty much you're retarded.

Cortana: don't be too hard on him. He's never been the same since him beating Sergeant Johnson in a plutonium drinking contest.

Chief: speaking of beating Sergeant Johnson, I was watching a Shakira video with some lotion nearby and…

Officer: alright, alright! Mr. Chief, do you have any previous work experience?

Chief: well, I was a major consultant for the coca-cola company.

FLASHBACK!

The chief is in a board room with key coke executives.

Head executive: Mr. Chief, are you sure this new product is a good idea?

Chief: Of course! Trust me; New Coke is gonna be famous forever, like betamax and 8-tracks. We'll be richer than ever!

FLASHBACK OVER!

Cortana: What did you do with the money from that job?

Chief: I invested it all in fanny packs and Sega Deamcasts.

Cortana: I can't believe you're not homeless.

Officer: Well chief, I'm sorry, but the only job I have open for you is…..well, there's an opening in the military for a special ops commando fighter. Think you can do it?

Chief: are you crazy? What do I look like, some kinda cyborg? I'm outta here.

That's it. Leave good reviews, or I'll get the rest of the power rangers and we'll kick your ass….that's right, I'm the pink one.


End file.
